Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
