if i can run in heels then i can drive
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
