Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
