Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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