I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
