i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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