Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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