i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
