i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My life is pants optional.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
