I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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