life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
