Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
