Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
