Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
