I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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