That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
