He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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