That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
