So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
