My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
