just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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