GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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