i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
