hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
