I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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