Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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