The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
