Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize