If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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