I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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