I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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