My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
