I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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