Im at strip club and am horny
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
