i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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