I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
