My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
