Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just threw up on my dentist
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
