This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
