You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize