I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
