On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
is it fun? or sober?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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