i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
