So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
