I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
