fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
