Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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