HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
