Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
