I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
