Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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