you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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