you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He? As in you personified your dick?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
