I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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