A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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