p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
