I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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