The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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