She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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