Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
